I didn’t have the easiest of 20’s. Steady, smooth-sailing, and consistent are words that did not describe that epoca. There were many amazing parts of my 20’s. Playing collegiate soccer. Finishing top of my class in college with a degree in exercise science. Living in and gallivanting around Europe. Massaging rock stars and professional athletes. But I had deep wounds and traumas from earlier in life that greatly affected every fiber of me and my way of being.
One definition of trauma that I’ve heard is when something happens too much, too fast, too soon. Trauma comes in all different shapes and sizes and weaves the pattern of who we are more than we even are aware of.
How trauma played out in my life in my 20’s was an overarching desire for safety and control with everything (relationships, my environment, my food/exercise habits). This, coupled with tendency to unknowingly take on too much was a recipe for disaster. I also had the underlying presence of Lyme disease (yet not active) in my system that created an unhealthy environment for physically wellness and overall energy.
Needless to say, I had a lot of shit going on. I always intentionally worked toward balance and wholeness in my inner and outer life, but continued to fall short and grow discouraged (sometimes despondent) with these multifaceted issues.
But I pressed on. And paid attention. And started to figure things out and put together some pieces to the puzzles. And experienced healing on some levels, connecting more with others, myself, and God in healthier ways.
AND THEN….I started having health issues due to getting off a medicine that was causing intense hip pain, making it quite uncomfortable to walk. WTF Universe? Just when I started to even out, I was hit with debilitating, plaguing, and disruptive health issues. I had to stop running. I wasn’t sleeping, my body was in pain, and I was getting panic attacks. I wasn’t functioning.
This certainly couldn’t go on forever. And then a year went by. And then another year. And then another year. And yet another of trying to balance out my nerves and energy and over-all functioning of my body. The amount of doctors I saw was uncountable. I remember thinking, ‘I can’t wait until I figure out this stuff out so I can get on with my life.’
BUT NOW, after over 6 years of dealing with ever-present health issues, I’m able to see all this as a beautiful catalyst for healing me and bringing me back to life in ways that I could never have imagined.
What felt like it would be the death of me actually ended up and continues to be the life and passion and healing of my entire being. I am brought to tears how this disease has brought about so much wholeness and healing in my life.
My issues caused by trauma with control and safety were shattered opened again and again when I couldn’t figure out how to fix myself. My propensity to over-do it and exhaust myself has cleared and balanced out since I couldn’t physically handle much on and off through out the years.
The bottom line: Healing happens in stages and layers. Support the process, but trust the Process. And know that what may be the worst thing that happens in your life could end up what brings you back to the whole version of yourself you never knew you could be.
These are just some thoughts and observations about my healing story. We all have our own story and are on the path to healing and wholeness. I know I will continue to heal and grow and engage in my own healing process. And I’m excited to help others do the same. We will never arrive but always be arriving. Animo my friends (I encourage you). Let’s keep going!