I hurt. You too?

Fuckkk. Wait, am I allowed to start this blog post with that kind of language? And to that, I say, 'fuck that!' Some of you may jump ship and think I have absolutely no class or vocabulary. But if you’re low on hope and fed up with the challenges of being a human (or have an appreciation for the finer curse words of life), I encourage you to stick around.

I say fuck at least 20 times a day. This is mostly said under my breath, and occasionally loud enough to be heard if anyone was around. What, you may ask, would lead a health professional who comes across fairly chill (dare I say zen?) most of the time to cuss like a sailor every goddamn day of her life?

Because, welp, I’m fed up with this life and really am not a fan of living in my pain-filled body most days. Now please, don’t see this as a cry for help or even the precursor to doing anything harmful to myself. It’s simply (and perhaps not so simply) how I feel more days than not.

The fact is, living in this body, in MY body, is physically painful, emotionally intense, and spiritually disconnected more times than not. I thought this life would be a hell of a lot easier than what it’s been. I thought I’d have healed my childhood traumas and risen above the physical ailments life has thrown at me (Lyme Disease and a car accident to name a few). I thought I’d be abounding with hope and connection and momentum and really be rocking this human thing…

But alas! I am… just… me. Still struggling and fumbling and grasping for some solid ground in which I build my life upon. By outward standards (and even my own), I feel I’m failing at this human thing. From life since covid to the loss of relationships to loneliness to experiencing my shortcomings to living as an HSP (highly sensitive person) to dealing with chronic physical pain and persnickety health issues…I’m feeling it on all fucking sides!

The truth of the matter (this matter of flesh and bones) is that everyone has their own laundry list of things. No matter how big or small, pain is pain is pain is pain.

Feeling pain, emotional, physical or otherwise, is a part of being human. But how we chose to deal with the pain that is present in our lives is what transcends our humanness and connects us into the Essence of our Beings.

But FUCKKKK does it hurt sometimes (a lot of the times?)!

On the surface level, I find it kinda funny (and maybe ironic) that I, a massage therapist, struggle so deeply with being in human form. I feel a bit of a fraud because I haven’t life-hacked how to fully eradicate pain out of my body (or others!). But deep down, it quite makes sense what continues to draw me to the healing work and what makes me the therapist that I am.

I feel the depths and loss of my being human, which deeply drive me to continually engage with and make strides in the healing process for myself and for others.

Sure, I have actual schooling and know the nuts and bolts of massage. But it’s the learning from the blood, sweat, and tears of my life experiences that create the underlying flow and essence of the sessions I offer.

The concept of turning lemons into lemonade, madness into magic, pain into power, isn’t anything new. I just know how it plays out in my life and continues to do so with the healing sessions I provide.
 
My hope during sessions is to create a space where one’s body and Being remember what it is to feel good, to feel safe, to feel whole…where one can take a deep breath, literally and figuratively, enabling them to keep going and connecting into all that matters.
 
Bottom line: Living in these bodies we’ve been given isn’t fucking easy. And it can be hard to remember why it’s worth it to keep trying and showing up. But fueled by tragedy and trauma, hurt and pain, and hope for renewed connection, we can keep showing up and finding ways into the beautiful undercurrent of Life that I believe is there, and is always supporting us…one moment, one breath, and one colorfully painted word at a time.