I Wonder...

I wonder what this human  thing is all about. I wonder why we go through all this stuff, hardships, challenges, confusion, disconnect, just to fucking die. What a great way to start a blog. But reader, client, friend, mom, if you carry on, I promise, it gets better.

For more than half my life, I’ve been pretty shut off and down from actually engaging in life. From an outsider’s perspective, and even my own, I thought I was onboard with living this life well and fully. And on many levels I was showing up and taking care of myself and doing what I needed to keep moving forward. I graduated high school and college with honors, I traveled, I dated (and even fell in love a few times), I got my own place in the city, I started a business, I worked through health challenges, I kept learning new things about the body, I was doing my best at adulting and all that came with that.

I was happy enough, ok enough, secure enough to live another day. I really was.
But underneath it all, I was gone, missing, disassociated from my body. I was deeply angry, deeply sad and disconnected, deeply scared, and deeply not ok.

I’ll share a little bit of my story as to why. Everyone has their story (stories) of what makes them shut down and not be ok. And I also believe everyone gets to learn and unlearn their way into what makes them truly ok.

When I was 13, I moved from Massachusetts to Panama for 2 years. My parents decided to become missionaries, and damned to hell to anyone who stopped them. Not really; but my 4 siblings and I had no say in the matter and were brushed aside in our pain and grief from moving.

I shut down. I actually left my real self in Massachusetts, and brought along a stranger to Panama. I even changed my name from Megan to Maggie. Megan didn’t move. Maggie did. I didn’t know what disassociation was at that time, but kids are smart.

The most precious, life-abiding part of me, took a huge blow and had been spiraling/reeling ever since. My visioned narrowed, and I lost my wonder for what could be in this world.

Ah, but on the surface…fuck I was fine. Nothing fazed me. I was good. I was above it all.

Investing in relationships.  Too cool for that.
Believing in possibility, both mine and others. Meh.
Actually giving a shit. Not even a chance.

There was this wall that went up in my heart, in my being, separating me from world.
Even with the deepest part of me vacant all those years, I still had enough of my essence and drive to keep going and become who I am today. Wonder was always whispering.The deepest parts of me weren’t lost, just hiding. I was always showing up, doing the work, finding my way; up-leveling if you will. And all that work brought me to a place where I was actually ready to deal with all the years of deep shut down that originated  in that wee little, feisty, eager-to-take-on-the-world, broken 13 year girl.

Some things that shut down my wonder?
Moving at a young age
Anorexia
Limiting religious beliefs
Dealing with long-standing health issues

Some things that whispered and expanded my wonder?
Seeking out and experiencing alternative treatments from Lyme disease
Mushrooms
Shamans, past life and energy healers
Ayahuasca
Nature-based therapy and meditation
Leaving organized religion
Travel

How does wonderment play out in my life?
The biggest way I experience this resurgence of wonder is letting go of underlying judgment toward others and really seeing people with curiosity and well, wonder. I feel so much more connected to humanity and the bigger picture of life than I have in a very long time.

Other ways are:
An expanding hope for growth and change for myself and others

Living with more in creativity and an open-ness to never-ending learning and possibility

It’s so easy to allow the busyness of life, our traumas, and our programming to narrow our view and limit our experience, leaving little to no room for wonder. I believe Wonder is always there, inviting us to play, to hang out, to breathe, to be the fullest versions of ourselves.

 I hope for more wonder, more awe, more LIFE to be sparked and flamed in your lives! And I look forward to hearing talking about it next time we meet!